January 1st 2020

Well it's here, a new decade, yet again I find myself at the start of a decade having to reinvent myself. At the start of the noughties I was pretty much a single mom to five children, husband having started work in London within days of them starting. The "teens" as I said yesterday began with Tall's ill health being diagnosed as cancer, something which defined the rest of the decade, there was only ever a few months between hospital appointments as his blood and kidney function was monitored. 

It seems there is a pattern to my life and today I feel as if I have been given another chance. I have been a mom and I have been a carer and wife. I don't know yet what I am going to be next, but I do know it has to be something that makes a difference. 

There are no resolutions, no dry January or Veganuary, no vowing to lose three stone in three months or run a marathon in six. I have made those resolutions before and inevitably fail, fueling self blame which leads to further failure. It seems one day of  eating cake / drinking / eating meat / not running causes me to just stop even trying, so no resolutions, no pressure. Instead I am going to try visualising where I want to be a year from now and for once it isn't about how I want to look on the outside, but how I want to feel on the inside. I will never ever stop loving Tall with every fibre of my being, I don't actually want to meet someone else, but I do want to love. I want to love life, I want to share my love with others, I want to help, I want to look back at the end of 2020 and say to myself "yes, you made a difference this year." It might be in the smallest way possible, but maybe, just maybe, at the end of the twenties I will have made a big difference to some people's lives. I have to have hope, faith in my ability and love for everyone.