New Year's Eve 2019

I thought I had better document what sort of festive period I have had. Christmas Day was pleasant, spent with two of my offspring we had good food, good wine and board games. Boxing Day was a different story. Years of going to football matches whilst my children spent the day with their father, turkey curry and pleasing ourselves. I started crying lunchtime and didn't really stop until I woke Monday 30th. I just kept missing Tall. 

As the title says today is New Year's Eve. I've been to give a blood donation, only the second time this year, the last one being 2nd January. I felt a bit guilty, but then remembered that many people don't even bother and I've had a bit of a difficult year, never mind that it takes me an hour each way on public transport for something that takes ten minutes max. 

As I was walking from the bus stop I remembered last year's "celebrations". Tall and I clinging to each other, me in tears as we both knew it was to be our last.  People talk of firsts and they are right they are often very difficult, yet ironically I do not fear this evening, my first without him as it cannot be as awful as last year.

It is also the end of a decade, a decade that began with a cancer diagnosis that ultimately ended Tall's life, even if it was as a result of the treatment. The grief for Tall still weighs heavy on my heart, but I have to grab hold of the new decade and make it into something that is memorable for different reasons. The cancer decade is over, the teens have gone and the twenties approach.

Happy New Year and I hope the twenties are kind to us all.  

December 18th

I know what my nan would have said Billy.

December 17th

Sitting on the door wreath isn't a good idea either Billy.

December 16th

You do know you will get trodden on sitting there Billy.

December 15th

Billy enjoying his pebernødder, which has become a Christmas tradition here.

December 14th

Billy, that isn't yours to open!!!

December 13th

Billy now knows how a joey must feel.

December 12th

Billy can't decide which he likes most.

December 11th

With only two weeks to go until Christmas, Billy is admiring the Nativity scene.

December 10th

By yesterday afternoon all I wanted to do was have a temper tantrum. A proper terrible twos stamp, scream, cry and lie on the floor with limbs flailing tantrum. I posted this on FB and I was surprised by how many people said "Do It" even if they added a lol. I posted my surprise that anyone would approve and a friend from school who has had enough grief of her own replied thus: 

Think about why toddlers scream and stamp. They feel sad and frustrated, not understanding what’s happening to them. I reckon they just have tantrums because they’re people, not because they’re children. They haven’t yet learned to pretend they’re ok. So as adults, when we’re grieving, don’t we deserve an outlet?

It sums things up precisely, I am sad and frustrated and I don't know what is happening. So I might not have screamed (I do have neighbours) but I did lie on the floor and bang my fists and kick and cry, and today I feel a little better.

Billy's idea of a ball pit.

December 9th

After a bad night, sleep broken by dreams that had me in tears, I am tired. The "happy families" in all the television adverts are starting to get to me, and I am very aware of my loneliness right now. Still, there's nothing I can do about it except ride the wave of continuing grief.

 
I said decorate the tree Billy, not climb it!

 

December 8th

As I sit here, feeling anxious, I wonder what I can do to change things. Yesterday I abandoned my trolley of shopping at the checkouts because the till I was already at told me I had to go to another as he was closing. I had been there before it was announced and the queues for the two tills still open stretched up the aisles. I couldn't face it, I just wanted to come home. Things are really bad mentally at the moment.

Billy is playing hide and seek with the X-moose. 


I found six of them in the attic yesterday, one for each child and one for a very dear friend who died December 2002.


 

December 7th

The cloud seems hard to shift this time. Anger keeps bubbling to the surface, anger about everything from the dogs dirty paws to dropping flour on the floor. Anger that the last Christmas photo of me and Tall has him looking so very ill, why didn't I get someone to take a photo of us looking festive, happy and healthy.

With a festive soap dispenser, even Billy wants to wash his hands!

December 6th

"Five gold rings." There's slightly more than that Billy!

December 5th

The cloud is still sitting above my head. Struggling to see the point of it all. I have reached out to family and to friends, but they all seem to be busy with their own lives. Hopefully something will happen to chase the cloud away soon. 

 Get down from there Billy!!!

No need to look so snug!
 

December 4th

Before I share today's Advent Adventure with you, I first want to share my mood. This morning a cloud of sadness hangs over me, it started yesterday. I know exactly what triggered it and I also know that it will pass. That is something I have learnt over the last six and a half months, that I will have days when the tears seem endless and the pain of loss is sharp, but those days don't last forever. There will be days when a photo of a puppy with blue eyes and an almost quizzical expression will make me smile and not make me sad. Today I miss Tall.

Meanwhile Christmas preparations continue. 

Billy insisted we start wrapping the presents. 

December 3rd

Billy is such an eager beaver he has written all the labels ready for the presents.

December 2nd

Billy's card making skills are improving.

Advent Adventures 2019

Most of you aren't followers on Instagram, so I thought I would share Billy Red Boots' Advent Adventures here too. Billy Red Boots belongs to my granddaughter, he arrived last year after a visit to see Santa. 

Now Billy Red Boots likes to be involved in anything I am doing that is Christmas related. He loves Christmas, so much so, that he often gets himself into mischief. 

 This morning he decided he just had to "help" cut paper for the paper chains. Luckily he didn't lose any fingers in the guillotine!