Well we are already three weeks into the new year, so far not much has changed. Admittedly I had my daughter here for seventeen days, which I suppose, in its own way, fulfilled my aim to make a difference. I had a phone call from the volunteer coordinator at the Hope Centre yesterday saying she had received my one reference, but was still waiting for the other. I have sent them a gentle reminder, but it seems I might have to find another referee who isn't so self absorbed. It is just another hurdle that I have to find my way round, I'm not very good at jumping these days.
I wonder how much good I can actually do, although that may just be a lack of self-confidence, something I have always struggled with. Self doubt has often been a feature in my life, although if I look back, I really shouldn't doubt myself. I have been through a fair few tough times and I'm still here to tell the tale. In fact, on the whole, I have actually done quite well. The trick is to remind myself what I have achieved when I am doubting "me".
Of course whilst all the stuff about making a difference is going round in my head I am also dealing with the good, the bad and the ugly of bereavement. Some days I can look at Tall's photo and chat to him, other days if I so much as catch a glance of him I will burst out crying, but worse of all are the moments when I forget he is gone. That tiny millisecond when I find myself thinking "I'll go and ask Tall...." only to remember a millisecond later that I can't. Those moments may be rare now, but they are ugly.
I have so many things I want to do, some of them very practical, others are dreams that I will need to try hard to make happen. If only I could buy that winning lottery ticket I'd be able to visit all those far-flung places on the holiday adverts AND help out all my children!
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