Moving forward.

As July swiftly approaches I have realised I have ten months to climb some more ladders. Hopefully I will get high enough up the board that next May's snake won't leave me back at square one. It is possible that the grief snake wouldn't have been quite so devastating had it not been for the previous snake of covid-19, which seemed to give birth to a host of smaller snakes, loss of human contact, anxiety about the world outside my door and having to cut my Australian trip short to name but three. 

So now I have to start planning how to go forward. I have to move in order to find the ladders to climb. The world seems very strange. In England* the shops are open and soon you will be able to get your hair cut. You can't go to the gym or the swimming pool, but you can flock to an English* beach and soon go on holiday as long as the destination is in England*. Community centres and any activities they once held are still closed, volunteering that involves actual people face to face seems a long way off and I wonder if we will ever be able to go back.

*It is only England that has eased the lockdown so comprehensively and the English are not welcome in Wales or Scotland, I don't blame them. 

Snakes and ladders

I feel like I am back to square one, that all the progress of the last twelve months has been lost. The perfect storm of covid-19 was followed by May and it's constant "this time last year" moments. I knew it would happen, I knew I would weep for hours on end and long for Tall, but that feeling of being lost was heightened by being alone both physically and socially. May became June and the memories continued, but this year there was no birthday card, no present to open and there were no friends to help me raise a glass of bubbly on our wedding anniversary. 

The snakes haven't just been the expected ones, there are also all the ones related to covid-19, no volunteering, no groups, no support. There was a particularly unexpected one because I signed up to an online course. One area of support was meant to help me gain the confidence to get back to work and help me with the process. My link worker had been calling me weekly to find out how I was doing and he suggested I find a course to study online to keep myself busy, so I did. It was only after I had signed up that he told me that the course meant I had to exit the programme. I think it was that snake that did the most damage.

I spent a year climbing ladders, going down snakes, but generally feeling I was making progress. Now I feel like I am back to square one, I have no purpose, no reason to "live" and so I merely exist. My anxiety of leaving the house or using the phone is back and I find myself in a deep depression. 

Without Tall life is empty.

The terrible 'T's

The global pandemic and the measures to contain it have caused mental health issues in a lot of people. There will be many people who are grieving without having been given the chance to say goodbye, living with a guilt that their loved one was without family at the end. I can only imagine how awful that must be.

For me it has meant the terrible two 'T's, trapped and terrified. I feel trapped alone in the house. There are no phone calls, no family dropping by to wave through the window. All the connections I made outside have been lost, and the support services have abandoned me. I feel very alone. Everyone I know has somebody, a physical being to hug, someone to talk to or argue with, someone to interact with.

I tried getting out the house, tried walking a bit further to shop. My anxiety was off the scale. So many people outside, so many cars. The constant crossing the road to avoid those who had no intention of keeping their distance was mentally exhausting and by the time I got home I was in tears, terrified of the outside world. I am trying to be kind to myself, but it is hard. I hate myself for going backwards, I worked at getting myself to a place where I could travel to Australia, but all that has gone.

The anxiety inevitably leads to grief, the grief that I don't have Tall to hold my hand through these difficult times. Yesterday was the anniversary of his funeral, and I thought about him all day. I want to be strong for him, I want to be all the things he wished for me, but at the moment all I want is to be with him.