I'm two weeks away from the four year anniversary of Tall's death. It all feels very strange still. The four years have seen so much happening, not just to me, but to the whole world, and so the four years feel much longer and at the same time it only feels like yesterday some days.
I was talking to a work colleague recently whose dad died January 2020. She was telling me about how her mom was coping and we shared stories of how silly things can set us off. Her mom, like me, still feels like he has just popped out, and that he'll be back soon. I don't think that feeling will ever go away. I told her that in my head I'm still married, that I still have a husband, I don't think I will ever stop feeling that way and can't imagine ever looking at another man.
Last week I ordered a rose for Tall. I had seen last year that a prize winning rose grower had created a new rose called Bring Me Sunshine. I don't remember why I didn't buy it, and I only just got in my order for this year's bare root deadline. I can not think of a more perfect name for a rose in his memory. There will be tears when I plant it, just as there were tears when I ordered it. I have come to realise that the only way I can cope, and live any sort of life, is to not really think too much about him. Am I wrong?
I still miss him when the trees blossom.
I still miss him when I see a classic car.
I still miss him when I sit in the garden.
I still miss him when something happens that I want to talk to him about.
Time has done so much to change my life. I never imagined I would be where I am now as we sat and discussed what would become of me. I will be forever grateful that I knew him and will always hold the joy and happiness that he brought me in my heart.
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| Bring Me Sunshine - David Austin Roses |
