The first three weeks.

Well we are already three weeks into the new year, so far not much has changed. Admittedly I had my daughter here for seventeen days, which I suppose, in its own way, fulfilled my aim to make a difference. I had a phone call from the volunteer coordinator at the Hope Centre yesterday saying she had received my one reference, but was still waiting for the other. I have sent them a gentle reminder, but it seems I might have to find another referee who isn't so self absorbed. It is just another hurdle that I have to find my way round, I'm not very good at jumping these days. 

I wonder how much good I can actually do, although that may just be a lack of self-confidence, something I have always struggled with. Self doubt has often been a feature in my life, although if I look back, I really shouldn't doubt myself. I have been through a fair few tough times and I'm still here to tell the tale. In fact, on the whole, I have actually done  quite well. The trick is to remind myself what I have achieved when I am doubting "me". 

Of course whilst all the stuff about making a difference is going round in my head I am also dealing with the good, the bad and the ugly of bereavement. Some days I can look at Tall's photo and chat to him, other days if I so much as catch a glance of him I will burst out crying, but worse of all are the moments when I forget he is gone. That tiny millisecond when I find myself thinking "I'll go and ask Tall...." only to remember a millisecond later that I can't. Those moments may be rare now, but they are ugly. 

I have so many things I want to do, some of them very practical, others are dreams that I will need to try hard to make happen. If only I could buy that winning lottery ticket I'd be able to visit all those far-flung places on the holiday adverts AND help out all my children!

January 1st 2020

Well it's here, a new decade, yet again I find myself at the start of a decade having to reinvent myself. At the start of the noughties I was pretty much a single mom to five children, husband having started work in London within days of them starting. The "teens" as I said yesterday began with Tall's ill health being diagnosed as cancer, something which defined the rest of the decade, there was only ever a few months between hospital appointments as his blood and kidney function was monitored. 

It seems there is a pattern to my life and today I feel as if I have been given another chance. I have been a mom and I have been a carer and wife. I don't know yet what I am going to be next, but I do know it has to be something that makes a difference. 

There are no resolutions, no dry January or Veganuary, no vowing to lose three stone in three months or run a marathon in six. I have made those resolutions before and inevitably fail, fueling self blame which leads to further failure. It seems one day of  eating cake / drinking / eating meat / not running causes me to just stop even trying, so no resolutions, no pressure. Instead I am going to try visualising where I want to be a year from now and for once it isn't about how I want to look on the outside, but how I want to feel on the inside. I will never ever stop loving Tall with every fibre of my being, I don't actually want to meet someone else, but I do want to love. I want to love life, I want to share my love with others, I want to help, I want to look back at the end of 2020 and say to myself "yes, you made a difference this year." It might be in the smallest way possible, but maybe, just maybe, at the end of the twenties I will have made a big difference to some people's lives. I have to have hope, faith in my ability and love for everyone.