Rainy days.

 It seems to have been raining for weeks and the only thing that appears to be flourishing in the garden is the grass. It is of course too wet to cut and it wouldn't be advisable given the lawn mower is electric. Tall once thought he would get away with it, and we had to buy a new mower. 

I thought having gotten through the anniversary of Tall's death that everything would be okay. It isn't. The dark rain clouds are not just literal, but also mental. No amount of volunteering, keeping busy or filling the day can stop the waking up in the night sobbing because there's a Tall sized hole that simply cannot be filled. A loneliness that is there even in a group of people. Even after two years I find myself wanting to tell him about something I have seen or done. To ask him his opinion on a choice I have to make. I long to have a conversation about nothing and everything, to talk about the stars under the night sky. 

I should be finding myself, instead I am simply finding that I am nothing without him. All around me people are getting back to normal. Back to their lives of holidays and coupledom. I am aware that there are those who might be in a relationship that is unhappy, I know that I am better off than them. Still, seeing people together, holding hands or simply sitting side by side, makes me sad.

No matter where.

 Yesterday West Brom. lost to Arsenal. It isn't the first time and hopefully we will have a chance to beat them or get beaten again. For next year at least that opportunity will only happen if we are drawn against each other in one of the cups. West Bromwich Albion have been relegated to the Championship. I can't be sure what Tall would say, but I can imagine. I learnt over the years how passionate he was about his team. His euphoria when promoted and disappointment when relegated. Through it all though he was a supporter. He would always tell me of the time when they were in the third division and hardly any fans turned up. He would proudly say that even if they were relegated to the fourth division he would still support them. 

That really sums Tall up completely. He was loyal to his team and his friends no matter where they were or what they did. Boing boing Baggies.

The garden

 I have been trying to spend as much time as possible outside when the weather allows. May has so far been the complete opposite of April, he have had days of rain and days of heavy showers with sunny intervals. The temperature has dropped considerably and so for now many of the plants need to stay in the greenhouse. I'm not keen on being out in halestorms either.

The year that Tall died I couldn't bear being in the garden, no matter what the weather. Every tree and plant reminded me of him, of how he would never taste the fruit from the trees or simply sit until the stars were out, enjoying the summer evenings.  In the midst of my grief I couldn't sit outside and i couldn't sit inside, I forever seemed to be wandering between the two, tears streaming down my face. Last year was better, although I didn't know what to do with it other, than cut the grass. I put up the pool and spent a few of the warmer days cooling off in it. Tall loved sitting in the cool water, although it wasn't something he was really able to do after 2017. Unfortunately, in my solo attempt to put it away at the end of the summer, I ended up tearing it, so I don't have one for this year. I think the decking might be better left clear in case I can have people around. This year I am planting hanging baskets for the first time since 2018. I still have to buy more plants and snap-dragons will be one of those that I will buy. Tall loved them. 

I will probably always get a little sad in the garden, Tall created so much of what it is now. Some of it I wish I could change. Maybe next year I will have the greenhouse moved to the wasted space on the drive and use the concrete pad where it sits now as a dining area. I remember back in 2019, a few months after Tall died, that the neighbour across the road, who lost her husband over twenty years  ago, was telling me that she still got sad in the garden. There's something about the continuing of life in the plants that acts as a reminder of the life that is no longer lived. Tall will always be in the trees.

I can't help it.

 I woke up this morning and the first thing I did was remember what we were going to do this evening two years ago. Tall was an avid fan of one particular football team and on 3rd May 2019 the were holding a Question of Sport type event with two teams of former players in aid of the club's charity foundation. Tall knew it would be his last chance to visit his beloved ground and his last to see players he admired and adored. 

The evening turned out better than he could ever have hoped. Whilst he was sitting there alone, I had gone to the bar to get myself a drink, the compere of the evening came across to talk to him. Tall it seems told him exactly what his situation was. He then arranged for some of the players to pop across during the interval to say hi. Tall was overjoyed, even more so as his number one hero actually stopped and talked to him the whole interval.  

I will be forever grateful to Bomber Brown for the immense kindness he showed Tall and to those other players who spent the time talking to us, without fear despite Tall explaining he had just weeks left to live. 

I am trying to make happier memories, today just isn't one of the happy days. 

A start

 As part of my attempt this year to make Merry May Memories I have moved my office (okay the laptop) back into the conservatory. It means that I can look out of the windows and watch the birds. Admittedly they aren't particularly exotic, I really only get sparrows with the very odd visit from goldfinches, blue-tits and great-tits. Last year I seemed to have a much greater variety, which is strange as I am not doing anything different this year. 

As we move into summer the conservatory may become too warm, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. In the meantime it means I get my dining room table back, having also thrown away some stuff that had been slowly piling up since Christmas. There is still a lot to declutter, but one black bag  of rubbish is progress for one day.