After a low couple of days when I didn't say anything I am back. I was questioning whether I should continue with the blog. I had rather selfishly hoped that it would somehow connect me with the outside world, be the source of "friendship" something that seems to be missing since Tall went. I'm not alone in finding myself with the multi-layered losses that death causes. Nearly all those on the forum I joined have found themselves abandoned by friends and family after the loss of their partner. For some it is very close relatives like sisters and brothers and for some like me it is the friends who Tall was so sure would be around.
Imagine losing your partner and then a few weeks later, when the funeral is over, all the people who had said they would be there for you disappear too. As I have said before, I am lucky enough to have one very dear friend who hasn't abandoned me, even in her own very difficult times.
I wish I could open up the blog for the whole world to see, so that people could see how painful their reluctance to connect with the bereaved can be. We want to talk about our loved ones and cry, we want people to cry with us, we want to know our loved ones haven't lived a life for nothing, that others cared for them too. Whether they were just a good work colleague or a great drinking buddy, a teammate or a confidante, someone fondly remembered for their kindness or admired for their tenacity. Talk about them to others, talk about them to those who have lost. Not a single one of Tall's friends, colleagues, associates or family (that's a relief) have been in contact with me to talk about the man he was. (Australians are excluded as they will have plenty to say when I get there I know. )
If only I could be sure that I wouldn't be trolled I would share what I have to say with the world.
Tuesday 30 July 2019
Friday 26 July 2019
Is this what I am to become?
This post may appear heartless and unsympathetic. I thought I should warn you all in advance.
As I mentioned previously I have joined a forum for people who have lost their partners. It was "sold" to me as a group who were too old for a group set up for the under 50s who had been bereaved and by implication, was for those over 50, but not yet retired. The reality is that there seems to be some of both. That doesn't really matter of course. There are people who lost their partner 9 years ago and some who lost their partner only months ago (me included).
At first my raw grief seemed to be "normal". Everyone told me what I was feeling was what everyone felt. I got a lot of virtual tea and sympathy and it made me feel I wasn't going insane. That was six weeks ago. I am still struggling with Mike's loss, but I am also seeing a pattern of behaviour that worries me. There is a handful of regular posters that are still displaying their grief online as being the same as it was when they were first bereaved. Two, three, four, even years on they are still seemingly at the same spot they were at six months. I don't want that. I don't want to be still sobbing into my cornflakes five years from now. Mike definitely didn't want that for me.
I am aware that everyone's path of grief is different, that sometimes we can find ourselves back where we started, but to still be doing it years and years on is something I don't want.
As I mentioned previously I have joined a forum for people who have lost their partners. It was "sold" to me as a group who were too old for a group set up for the under 50s who had been bereaved and by implication, was for those over 50, but not yet retired. The reality is that there seems to be some of both. That doesn't really matter of course. There are people who lost their partner 9 years ago and some who lost their partner only months ago (me included).
At first my raw grief seemed to be "normal". Everyone told me what I was feeling was what everyone felt. I got a lot of virtual tea and sympathy and it made me feel I wasn't going insane. That was six weeks ago. I am still struggling with Mike's loss, but I am also seeing a pattern of behaviour that worries me. There is a handful of regular posters that are still displaying their grief online as being the same as it was when they were first bereaved. Two, three, four, even years on they are still seemingly at the same spot they were at six months. I don't want that. I don't want to be still sobbing into my cornflakes five years from now. Mike definitely didn't want that for me.
I am aware that everyone's path of grief is different, that sometimes we can find ourselves back where we started, but to still be doing it years and years on is something I don't want.
Thursday 25 July 2019
What am I on about?
When I started this blog it wasn't my intention to blog every day. May be once I have everything off my chest and the dust settles (mixed metaphors tsk.) I will fall into a more reasonable weekly pattern.
After yesterday's rant I have today had MP round to fix the post. There have been no further texts outside of the ones needed to arrange the job. He seemed to be his normal self, and as I am not one to hold a grudge, unless someone has broken my third strike and you are out rule, the morning went as if nothing had ever been said. I'm happy as I dreaded finding a new builder.
Amidst all my angst I have also been thinking about a close friend and the situation with her mother. The mother's health has been deteriorating over several years and she is now at a point where care in a home is needed. I have never been in a situation like that and never will be, not until I am possibly the one in need and that isn't related to the point I am about to make. It seems to me that there has to be a type of grief attached to realising your parent, someone who was strong and looked after you, is now frail and unable to help themselves. It so often comes at a time when our own children have flown the nest, or are soon to, leaving us in a double whammy situation, grief for the loss of the parent we once knew and grief for the "empty nest". No wonder people talk about the mid-life crisis, we're no longer "the parent", no longer "the child" and reminded that there is a chance we will be like our own parents one day.
Since the Industrial Revolution we have slowly lost the ebb and flow of life. Once we lived in family groups with old and young together, we saw people die and we saw them being born. We have lost touch with the natural course of life and it scares us. Is that why we can't face grief? Why it is easier to avoid someone in mourning than sit and grieve with them? I would have liked to have someone sitting with me, crying because they miss him too. Someone who I could hug better and in return have them hug me.
Grief is always attached to a change in our lives that we didn't ask for. Some are just more difficult to deal with.
After yesterday's rant I have today had MP round to fix the post. There have been no further texts outside of the ones needed to arrange the job. He seemed to be his normal self, and as I am not one to hold a grudge, unless someone has broken my third strike and you are out rule, the morning went as if nothing had ever been said. I'm happy as I dreaded finding a new builder.
Amidst all my angst I have also been thinking about a close friend and the situation with her mother. The mother's health has been deteriorating over several years and she is now at a point where care in a home is needed. I have never been in a situation like that and never will be, not until I am possibly the one in need and that isn't related to the point I am about to make. It seems to me that there has to be a type of grief attached to realising your parent, someone who was strong and looked after you, is now frail and unable to help themselves. It so often comes at a time when our own children have flown the nest, or are soon to, leaving us in a double whammy situation, grief for the loss of the parent we once knew and grief for the "empty nest". No wonder people talk about the mid-life crisis, we're no longer "the parent", no longer "the child" and reminded that there is a chance we will be like our own parents one day.
Since the Industrial Revolution we have slowly lost the ebb and flow of life. Once we lived in family groups with old and young together, we saw people die and we saw them being born. We have lost touch with the natural course of life and it scares us. Is that why we can't face grief? Why it is easier to avoid someone in mourning than sit and grieve with them? I would have liked to have someone sitting with me, crying because they miss him too. Someone who I could hug better and in return have them hug me.
Grief is always attached to a change in our lives that we didn't ask for. Some are just more difficult to deal with.
Wednesday 24 July 2019
I don't know anymore.
If things weren't bad enough, I now have to find a new builder. Ever since we had some work done back in December 2010 we have used the same builder MP. Mike liked him and more importantly trusted him. As Mike said he wasn't necessarily the cheapest, but his work was good and like I say he trusted him. Over the years we began seeing him as a friend, he obviously knew how ill Mike was and would get us out of trouble, like recommending someone to fix the boiler in the middle of winter when we had been told it couldn't be fixed and it would cost £2,500 for a new one. For the record the boiler we were being offered was £750 on the internet......
When Mike died I let MP know as he had requested and he came to the funeral, I didn't actually recognise him as I only ever saw him in jeans and a cap, I didn't know if he had hair. Not longer after that I went to put the bin out and my side gate complete with it's post listed to the side. It isn't a small thing. The post is 10" x 10" and sticks 7' out of the ground. The post has rotted at the bottom. I managed to shut it and contacted MP. He came round, said he'd sort something, he'd let me know when he got back off holiday...... All was fine.
He contacted me on Monday to say he had sourced some timber to replace it and that he hadn't forgotten me. I said good to know. This was all done via text. A few more texts went back and forth me asking how his holiday went, him asking how I was getting on healing wise. Then later in the evening the texts from him became more "flirtatious" I tried rebuffing him without causing offence (my mistake) as I put it down to maybe too many G&Ts. His final text was one asking if I had a basque, I replied no but I did have a bucket of icy cold water. I then switched my phone off and went to bed.
So yesterday when I switched my phone on there were a couple more texts neither of which seemed offensive so I drew a line under the episode, I've never been bothered by a bit of harmless flirting or innuendo in the past. In the afternoon I got a text saying the timber would be £70 and that he had popped round earlier and measured, that as I wasn't in the garden he had decided not to bother me. I said thank you and that the price was fine (I have little choice under the circumstances). His reply was something along the line of "So are we still friends?" I replied "Yes, so long as you don't make stupid remarks about basques." My mistake as it only prompted him to ask "Have you got one then?"
I now doubt myself, I doubt Mike's judgement of character and so I now doubt Mike's judgement of me. Am I as nice as he told everyone or is his son right that I am an evil witch? (The day after Mike died his son was on the phone to everyone he knew, that also knew his dad, to tell them I was an awful person. Luckily there were a couple of them who knew me better, the rest believed him and that has made life difficult. )
Do I really need all this grief from life on top of my grief about Mike.
When Mike died I let MP know as he had requested and he came to the funeral, I didn't actually recognise him as I only ever saw him in jeans and a cap, I didn't know if he had hair. Not longer after that I went to put the bin out and my side gate complete with it's post listed to the side. It isn't a small thing. The post is 10" x 10" and sticks 7' out of the ground. The post has rotted at the bottom. I managed to shut it and contacted MP. He came round, said he'd sort something, he'd let me know when he got back off holiday...... All was fine.
He contacted me on Monday to say he had sourced some timber to replace it and that he hadn't forgotten me. I said good to know. This was all done via text. A few more texts went back and forth me asking how his holiday went, him asking how I was getting on healing wise. Then later in the evening the texts from him became more "flirtatious" I tried rebuffing him without causing offence (my mistake) as I put it down to maybe too many G&Ts. His final text was one asking if I had a basque, I replied no but I did have a bucket of icy cold water. I then switched my phone off and went to bed.
So yesterday when I switched my phone on there were a couple more texts neither of which seemed offensive so I drew a line under the episode, I've never been bothered by a bit of harmless flirting or innuendo in the past. In the afternoon I got a text saying the timber would be £70 and that he had popped round earlier and measured, that as I wasn't in the garden he had decided not to bother me. I said thank you and that the price was fine (I have little choice under the circumstances). His reply was something along the line of "So are we still friends?" I replied "Yes, so long as you don't make stupid remarks about basques." My mistake as it only prompted him to ask "Have you got one then?"
I now doubt myself, I doubt Mike's judgement of character and so I now doubt Mike's judgement of me. Am I as nice as he told everyone or is his son right that I am an evil witch? (The day after Mike died his son was on the phone to everyone he knew, that also knew his dad, to tell them I was an awful person. Luckily there were a couple of them who knew me better, the rest believed him and that has made life difficult. )
Do I really need all this grief from life on top of my grief about Mike.
Tuesday 23 July 2019
Lost in loss
In losing Tall I have lost myself. Actually I'm not sure whether lost is the right word. It is 6:30 in the morning and I have woken up unable to breathe. The anxiety that comes from knowing no-one is around is so constricting. Nobody texts me, nobody comes and see me, I am terrified of being alone and something happening.
We only had a handful of friends who were close enough to visit, all but one of those has gone. I cannot expect that one person to fill the gap in my Tall shaped hole and so I sit alone day after day. "Join a club", "take up a new hobby", "meet new people" . Well meaning comments, but so far out of my comfort zone right now, I need someone to hold my hand. I tried a forum called Way Up, for widows and widowers who have meet-ups, but none of them are in my area, so another blank.
The grief some days, like today, is so overpowering there seems to be no future. I cannot see myself surviving the heartache. I get-up, I take care of Toni (the dog) and manage to feed us both. I might on a good day tidy one room or do some washing. The rest of the time I am paralysed with fear. Unable to decide the simplest things it is easier to do nothing.
We only had a handful of friends who were close enough to visit, all but one of those has gone. I cannot expect that one person to fill the gap in my Tall shaped hole and so I sit alone day after day. "Join a club", "take up a new hobby", "meet new people" . Well meaning comments, but so far out of my comfort zone right now, I need someone to hold my hand. I tried a forum called Way Up, for widows and widowers who have meet-ups, but none of them are in my area, so another blank.
The grief some days, like today, is so overpowering there seems to be no future. I cannot see myself surviving the heartache. I get-up, I take care of Toni (the dog) and manage to feed us both. I might on a good day tidy one room or do some washing. The rest of the time I am paralysed with fear. Unable to decide the simplest things it is easier to do nothing.
Monday 22 July 2019
Ten weeks
Tell me it isn't so, can it really be ten weeks since we chatted? Is it ten weeks since I took that last photo of you, the one that Facebook stole from my phone and uploaded to your profile? Yes dear readers, there is a photo on FB that isn't even a very good one, that I took ten weeks ago today, when I had just given Tall his morning coffee. One of my friends told me she couldn't believe it was taken the day he died, he looks so happy and healthy. Which he did, all the fluid from not doing dialysis had filled his sunken face and given him a rosy glow. That photo is how I will always remember his last day with me. Tall is probably laughing away at my mistake.
Ten weeks, more than two months, less than three. Stating the obvious I know. How am I supposed to feel? As everyone who has lost their partner will tell you there is no guide book. I wish there was. I wish there was a handy guide that you could give to family and friends too, they don't understand how it feels. They are often well meaning, but don't understand that the loss of a parent, sibling or even child isn't the same as losing your soulmate. I am not saying it is worse, just different.
If you can humour me further, losing Tall was for me like losing all three. I took care of him for 9 years, in that respect he was like my child. When I was struggling with anxiety and indecision, Tall would take control and sort things out, in that respect he was my parent. The rest of the time we bickered and enjoyed each other's company, like twins we were in tune with each other's thoughts, in that respect we were like siblings.
Now I am alone, I have lost my world.
Ten weeks, more than two months, less than three. Stating the obvious I know. How am I supposed to feel? As everyone who has lost their partner will tell you there is no guide book. I wish there was. I wish there was a handy guide that you could give to family and friends too, they don't understand how it feels. They are often well meaning, but don't understand that the loss of a parent, sibling or even child isn't the same as losing your soulmate. I am not saying it is worse, just different.
If you can humour me further, losing Tall was for me like losing all three. I took care of him for 9 years, in that respect he was like my child. When I was struggling with anxiety and indecision, Tall would take control and sort things out, in that respect he was my parent. The rest of the time we bickered and enjoyed each other's company, like twins we were in tune with each other's thoughts, in that respect we were like siblings.
Now I am alone, I have lost my world.
Sunday 21 July 2019
Where to start?
Tomorrow it will be ten weeks since my beloved Tall passed away. I wish I could tell you how I felt last week, last month, the day after he died, but I truly can't remember how bad I was. One of the reasons I am starting this blog is to give me a way of recording my progression through the grief. To hopefully see myself climbing out of the abyss I have fallen, no pushed, into.
Today I feel sad. I have a cold and no Tall to give me tea and sympathy. I dreamt about us last night, a simple walking together arm in arm, talking about life dream. Waking up to find myself alone was devastating. You always hope to find that the last couple of months were the dream and when it isn't so, your heart breaks all over again.
Today I feel sad. I have a cold and no Tall to give me tea and sympathy. I dreamt about us last night, a simple walking together arm in arm, talking about life dream. Waking up to find myself alone was devastating. You always hope to find that the last couple of months were the dream and when it isn't so, your heart breaks all over again.
Why the title?
Once upon a time I was working with a lovely man called Jon (a teacher I was his teaching assistant). In November 1999 Jon was turning 50 and for him it was a really big deal, so I thought I'd cheer him up. Over the weeks I started leaving little gifts and funny poems for him, all signed from The Good Cheer Pixie. To this day I still don't know if he knew it was me.
Fast forward a few years to 2003. My husband had decided he never wanted to live with me, a fact that he told me on Christmas Day 2000. After a couple of years trying to change his mind and the sudden death of my mother-in-law in December 2002 I decided that for my 40th birthday I was going to start living my own life. At the time I was with AOL and they had a friend finder service. I signed up to it and started looking for people (and I mean men and women) who wanted to make new friends. Someone to go out for the evening with to have a laugh with. Later on AOL joined forces with Match and later dropped the service altogether, which is a shame for those people just looking for someone to socialise with. Any way, when I signed up for the AOL thing I had to have a user name for my profile, and so I chose Goodcheerpixie.
It was as Goodcheerpixie that I made contact with several people one of whom was my beloved. Funnily enough I didn't even know what he looked like as his profile pic had him dressed as a Blues Brother, admittedly his user name was Talldarkhandsome, but you can't always believe these things. Turned out he never lied.
Fast forward a few years to 2003. My husband had decided he never wanted to live with me, a fact that he told me on Christmas Day 2000. After a couple of years trying to change his mind and the sudden death of my mother-in-law in December 2002 I decided that for my 40th birthday I was going to start living my own life. At the time I was with AOL and they had a friend finder service. I signed up to it and started looking for people (and I mean men and women) who wanted to make new friends. Someone to go out for the evening with to have a laugh with. Later on AOL joined forces with Match and later dropped the service altogether, which is a shame for those people just looking for someone to socialise with. Any way, when I signed up for the AOL thing I had to have a user name for my profile, and so I chose Goodcheerpixie.
It was as Goodcheerpixie that I made contact with several people one of whom was my beloved. Funnily enough I didn't even know what he looked like as his profile pic had him dressed as a Blues Brother, admittedly his user name was Talldarkhandsome, but you can't always believe these things. Turned out he never lied.
Now my beloved is gone and the Goodcheerpixie is gone too. This blog will be a space to express my grief and may be, just may be document me re-finding her.
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