Hello 2023.
What a transformative year 2022 was! This time last year I had no idea how far I would travel, I had no plans, and was still living with some of the effects of my grief. A year on and I've lost 28 pounds in weight, have a job that I love (even if I don't always like the patients) and am happier than I have been in years.
Looking back I can now see how hard life had been even before Tall died. The truth is that life changed when he started dialysis. We tried to live around it, but the fact is it's hard to carry on as if life is normal when every other day is dialysis. When the cancer returned things became even tougher and the last few years I was swallowed up by the role of a carer, never really relaxing even when we were trying to be normal.
I've reached a point where I look back and say to myself that I wouldn't want that life again, even if it meant I would have Tall back. Does that make me a bad person? Should I still be wishing he was back with me? Of course I would like the man I married back. The man who would dance like no one was watching at every opportunity. I don't want the man who was stuck on oxygen, that needed a wheelchair to go to hospital appointments.
I still had moments in 2022 when I missed him so much I thought my heart would stop. When I cried so much, I didn't think I would ever stop. Yes, I still talk to him as if he is just in the other room, asking him to give an opinion about something I am contemplating. I don't think there will ever be a time when I don't miss him, like everytime I go in the loft or try to reach something from the top of the wardrobe. Not long after Tall died a neighbour from across the road came to speak to me. She lost her husband 30 years ago and she said she still misses him when she is doing the garden, after all those years.
The fact is, that for the first time in quite a while, I am actually sitting on New Year's Day looking forward to the year ahead.
