January 2020

It's the last day of the first month of the new decade so I thought I would reflect on how it has gone. Looking back I know there have been days of despair, but the days when I just want to be with Tall are getting fewer and fewer. At the start of the month I blogged about my intentions for the new decade, my hopes and my vague plan to help people. I still have one hundred and nineteen months, so plenty of time. 

I have shared my days of despair, days, which in hindsight, had a cause. When something upsets me I want turn to the one person who always was on my side and by my side, it is then that his loss is felt so badly and grief is triggered once more. In acknowledging that I am allowing myself to grieve and at the same time that permission is like a hug from Tall. I can hear him saying "it's okay, you're allowed to be upset", something said so often during those last few months. 

Thirty days ago I had no immediate plans to visit Australia, the idea was one that was going to happen, but when was a mystery. It was Tall's birthday that was the final kick up the proverbial, I remembered how he kept saying how he would love to fly out to Melbourne, without telling anyone, and turn up on the doorstep. He loved being impulsive. He once took a flight just to give someone a birthday card, well that was the story he told. I decided I might as well follow his lead and so I just did it. I did check with my hosts that they weren't in the middle of something that meant my presence was a nuisance, unlike Tall, I don't have the skin of a rhino!  

So January has been a success, I feel stronger than I did at the start of it. The light at the end of the tunnel seems to be brighter, although I know there may be times when it seems night has fall and the light is temporarily extinguished.  I am better prepared mentally to cope with what life throws at me. Tall would be so proud of me.