Ten weeks

Tell me it isn't so, can it really be ten weeks since we chatted? Is it ten weeks since I took that last photo of you, the one that Facebook stole from my phone and uploaded to your profile? Yes dear readers, there is a photo on FB that isn't even a very good one, that I took ten weeks ago today, when I had just given Tall his morning coffee. One of my friends told me she couldn't believe it was taken the day he died, he looks so happy and healthy. Which he did, all the fluid from not doing dialysis had filled his sunken face and given him a rosy glow. That photo is how I will always remember his last day with me. Tall is probably laughing away at my mistake. 

Ten weeks, more than two months, less than three. Stating the obvious I know. How am I supposed to feel? As everyone who has lost their partner will tell you there is no guide book. I wish there was. I wish there was a handy guide that you could give to family and friends too, they don't understand how it feels. They are often well meaning, but don't understand that the loss of a parent, sibling or even child isn't the same as losing your soulmate. I am not saying it is worse, just different. 

If you can humour me further, losing Tall was for me like losing all three. I took care of him for 9 years, in that respect he was like my child. When I was struggling with anxiety and indecision, Tall would take control and sort things out, in that respect he was my parent. The rest of the time we bickered and enjoyed each other's company, like twins we were in tune with each other's thoughts, in that respect we were like siblings. 

Now I am alone, I have lost my world.