In losing Tall I have lost myself. Actually I'm not sure whether lost is the right word. It is 6:30 in the morning and I have woken up unable to breathe. The anxiety that comes from knowing no-one is around is so constricting. Nobody texts me, nobody comes and see me, I am terrified of being alone and something happening.
We only had a handful of friends who were close enough to visit, all but one of those has gone. I cannot expect that one person to fill the gap in my Tall shaped hole and so I sit alone day after day. "Join a club", "take up a new hobby", "meet new people" . Well meaning comments, but so far out of my comfort zone right now, I need someone to hold my hand. I tried a forum called Way Up, for widows and widowers who have meet-ups, but none of them are in my area, so another blank.
The grief some days, like today, is so overpowering there seems to be no future. I cannot see myself surviving the heartache. I get-up, I take care of Toni (the dog) and manage to feed us both. I might on a good day tidy one room or do some washing. The rest of the time I am paralysed with fear. Unable to decide the simplest things it is easier to do nothing.
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