New beginings

 As I approach the three year anniversary of Tall's death I am finally starting to feel more at peace. There is a sense of being content, not the heady over excited feeling of complete giddy happiness, but it is a massive change from the way I was feeling two years ago, or even last year. I often think about Tall and reflect on the good times we spent together, and the bad times too. Life was a roller coaster during what seemed like far too short a time. The bad years made the good ones all the better, and even the last two years were a bonus given how we thought Tall was going to die in 2017. 

I am still having to learn how to stand on my own two feet. It is strange how much I relied on just having another person's opinion on life, someone else's take on world events or the best way to do something. As I have probably said before, I might not have actually followed the advice, but it was always great to have another point of view. I now manage to do little jobs for myself, today I changed the saddle on my bike. There was a lot of cussing and I could have done with another pair of hands as I struggled to hold the spanner on one side of the bike while I tightened the one on the other. Tall would have managed with his long arms!

Next week I start a new job as a receptionist at a doctors' surgery. I have to confess when I sent off my CV I didn't think I actually had the experience or qualifications. As it turns out it was the years of being self-employed with Tall that actually helped. The years of dealing with customers and keeping the books paid off. I know that Tall would be really pleased for me. He always said I had people skills and that I underestimated myself. Life is going to be so very different, I haven't had a job with set hours for fifteen years. I have had the luxury of being able to shop when I like, walk the dog when I want and please myself about almost everything. I won't be working Mondays and Tuesdays as I'll still be looking after my granddughter, the rest of the week is anyone's guess. 

I think Tall would be proud. I am going to believe he would be with all my heart, and that he would be happy that I seem to have reached a stage of contentment and peace.

Nearing the end of 2021

Well there are only a couple of days left in 2021. Another year which is been tough for many of us. The pandemic rumbles on, especially here in the UK, where the government's policy of herd immunity has seen the deaths of many.  

Personally I have been fortunate in that covid hasn't, yet, touched me or my family. As with last year I have spent time reflecting on how tough it would have been had Tall still been alive. I suspect we wouldn't have been so lucky, as no doubt at some point Tall would have had to attend the hospital for treatment.  

I still miss Tall, and I have come to realise that the only reason I can cope with my grief, is that I simply don't think about him very often. When I do the tears start to flow. I feel guilty that I don't think of him as often as I should, but I have to protect myself. I'm not sure whether it is healthy for me psychologically. I just hope I'm not storing up trouble for the future. 

I had hoped that this year I would make progress with making new friends. I joined a few groups via an app, but haven't been to many of the events as initially I was too scared to travel home alone late at night and more recently they have been cancelled because of the rising cases of covid. I will persevere and hopefully as the evenings become longer and the weather warmer things will improve. 

One thing is for certain, I'm not looking to meet anyone new. I have no need for romantic love, I need the easy friendship that seems so hard to find. I have struggled this year with keeping up with the friendships I do have. I haven't emailed people anywhere near as often as I should. Hamstringing myself with thoughts that I have nothing interesting to say so best not say anything. It is why I haven't written a blog entry for over six months. 

Looking back over the last two and a half years I can clearly see that I have made progress with my grief. Am I where I want to be? Not yet. Do I actually know where I want to be? Probably not. To be honest it is difficult to separate my own thoughts and those which Tall had. His welling meaning "lectures" on what I should do when he was gone have left their mark. Some are easily banished, like meet someone new, others gnaw away at me as I struggle to see how I can be the person he thought I could. 

As I have said before I don't do resolutions anymore. The last two years have shown how unpredictable life can be and plans are so easily destroyed by unforeseen circumstances. The only plan I have is to keep moving forward. 

I wish you all a happy and healthy 2022. 

It could have been....

 Monday would have been our 10th wedding anniversary. Some people say it still was, but it isn't really the same celebrating alone. I looked at the photos and remembered how ridiculously happy we were. Happy to be joined by those we loved and who loved us in return. It might only have been a small wedding party that walked to the resturant after the ceremony, but every single person was there because they wanted to be, not out of any sense of duty. 

I feel robbed and more than a little bit angry that out time together was so short compared to others. I console myself with the knowledge that we were lucky to have found true love, even if it was all too brief. 

My first, my last, my everything.

How are you?

I'm okay I guess.

You don't sound too sure.

Well I still burst into tears in the middle of the street. 

Today I did just that. As I was walking the dog a neighbour drove past in his Lotus 7, he's older than Tall and has quite a collection of cars, all of which Tall adored. I reflected internally on how unfair it all was, but resigned myself to the fact I couldn't change things.

As we neared home a different neighbour was polishing his 1967 Mini, I just burst into tears. One of Tall's first jobs was working as a mechanic on Mini's, it was also his very last job.  A month before he died he helped out "the lads" at the garage he always used. They had had an old Mini sitting there for over twelve months, unable to work out why it wouldn't start. The mechanics, who are both in their thirties had no experience of working on older cars. Tall knew exactly what the problem was. He got them to take off the carburettor and he brought it home. He ordered the parts he knew he needed online and then sat, with his oxygen on, fixing it. He took back the carburettor and got them to refit it, he was then given the honour of starting the car up. It started first time. I cannot express how proud he was, knowing that he could still make a difference even when stuck in a wheelchair on oxygen. Me, I'm just so incredibly sad that he isn't here to still make a difference. 

Rainy days.

 It seems to have been raining for weeks and the only thing that appears to be flourishing in the garden is the grass. It is of course too wet to cut and it wouldn't be advisable given the lawn mower is electric. Tall once thought he would get away with it, and we had to buy a new mower. 

I thought having gotten through the anniversary of Tall's death that everything would be okay. It isn't. The dark rain clouds are not just literal, but also mental. No amount of volunteering, keeping busy or filling the day can stop the waking up in the night sobbing because there's a Tall sized hole that simply cannot be filled. A loneliness that is there even in a group of people. Even after two years I find myself wanting to tell him about something I have seen or done. To ask him his opinion on a choice I have to make. I long to have a conversation about nothing and everything, to talk about the stars under the night sky. 

I should be finding myself, instead I am simply finding that I am nothing without him. All around me people are getting back to normal. Back to their lives of holidays and coupledom. I am aware that there are those who might be in a relationship that is unhappy, I know that I am better off than them. Still, seeing people together, holding hands or simply sitting side by side, makes me sad.

No matter where.

 Yesterday West Brom. lost to Arsenal. It isn't the first time and hopefully we will have a chance to beat them or get beaten again. For next year at least that opportunity will only happen if we are drawn against each other in one of the cups. West Bromwich Albion have been relegated to the Championship. I can't be sure what Tall would say, but I can imagine. I learnt over the years how passionate he was about his team. His euphoria when promoted and disappointment when relegated. Through it all though he was a supporter. He would always tell me of the time when they were in the third division and hardly any fans turned up. He would proudly say that even if they were relegated to the fourth division he would still support them. 

That really sums Tall up completely. He was loyal to his team and his friends no matter where they were or what they did. Boing boing Baggies.

The garden

 I have been trying to spend as much time as possible outside when the weather allows. May has so far been the complete opposite of April, he have had days of rain and days of heavy showers with sunny intervals. The temperature has dropped considerably and so for now many of the plants need to stay in the greenhouse. I'm not keen on being out in halestorms either.

The year that Tall died I couldn't bear being in the garden, no matter what the weather. Every tree and plant reminded me of him, of how he would never taste the fruit from the trees or simply sit until the stars were out, enjoying the summer evenings.  In the midst of my grief I couldn't sit outside and i couldn't sit inside, I forever seemed to be wandering between the two, tears streaming down my face. Last year was better, although I didn't know what to do with it other, than cut the grass. I put up the pool and spent a few of the warmer days cooling off in it. Tall loved sitting in the cool water, although it wasn't something he was really able to do after 2017. Unfortunately, in my solo attempt to put it away at the end of the summer, I ended up tearing it, so I don't have one for this year. I think the decking might be better left clear in case I can have people around. This year I am planting hanging baskets for the first time since 2018. I still have to buy more plants and snap-dragons will be one of those that I will buy. Tall loved them. 

I will probably always get a little sad in the garden, Tall created so much of what it is now. Some of it I wish I could change. Maybe next year I will have the greenhouse moved to the wasted space on the drive and use the concrete pad where it sits now as a dining area. I remember back in 2019, a few months after Tall died, that the neighbour across the road, who lost her husband over twenty years  ago, was telling me that she still got sad in the garden. There's something about the continuing of life in the plants that acts as a reminder of the life that is no longer lived. Tall will always be in the trees.