Rainy days.

 It seems to have been raining for weeks and the only thing that appears to be flourishing in the garden is the grass. It is of course too wet to cut and it wouldn't be advisable given the lawn mower is electric. Tall once thought he would get away with it, and we had to buy a new mower. 

I thought having gotten through the anniversary of Tall's death that everything would be okay. It isn't. The dark rain clouds are not just literal, but also mental. No amount of volunteering, keeping busy or filling the day can stop the waking up in the night sobbing because there's a Tall sized hole that simply cannot be filled. A loneliness that is there even in a group of people. Even after two years I find myself wanting to tell him about something I have seen or done. To ask him his opinion on a choice I have to make. I long to have a conversation about nothing and everything, to talk about the stars under the night sky. 

I should be finding myself, instead I am simply finding that I am nothing without him. All around me people are getting back to normal. Back to their lives of holidays and coupledom. I am aware that there are those who might be in a relationship that is unhappy, I know that I am better off than them. Still, seeing people together, holding hands or simply sitting side by side, makes me sad.