Well there are only a couple of days left in 2021. Another year which is been tough for many of us. The pandemic rumbles on, especially here in the UK, where the government's policy of herd immunity has seen the deaths of many.
Personally I have been fortunate in that covid hasn't, yet, touched me or my family. As with last year I have spent time reflecting on how tough it would have been had Tall still been alive. I suspect we wouldn't have been so lucky, as no doubt at some point Tall would have had to attend the hospital for treatment.
I still miss Tall, and I have come to realise that the only reason I can cope with my grief, is that I simply don't think about him very often. When I do the tears start to flow. I feel guilty that I don't think of him as often as I should, but I have to protect myself. I'm not sure whether it is healthy for me psychologically. I just hope I'm not storing up trouble for the future.
I had hoped that this year I would make progress with making new friends. I joined a few groups via an app, but haven't been to many of the events as initially I was too scared to travel home alone late at night and more recently they have been cancelled because of the rising cases of covid. I will persevere and hopefully as the evenings become longer and the weather warmer things will improve.
One thing is for certain, I'm not looking to meet anyone new. I have no need for romantic love, I need the easy friendship that seems so hard to find. I have struggled this year with keeping up with the friendships I do have. I haven't emailed people anywhere near as often as I should. Hamstringing myself with thoughts that I have nothing interesting to say so best not say anything. It is why I haven't written a blog entry for over six months.
Looking back over the last two and a half years I can clearly see that I have made progress with my grief. Am I where I want to be? Not yet. Do I actually know where I want to be? Probably not. To be honest it is difficult to separate my own thoughts and those which Tall had. His welling meaning "lectures" on what I should do when he was gone have left their mark. Some are easily banished, like meet someone new, others gnaw away at me as I struggle to see how I can be the person he thought I could.
As I have said before I don't do resolutions anymore. The last two years have shown how unpredictable life can be and plans are so easily destroyed by unforeseen circumstances. The only plan I have is to keep moving forward.
I wish you all a happy and healthy 2022.
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