What is my life for?

Anyone who has seen my FB post will know that I am currently struggling without Tall. Life without him is so empty and my existence seems pointless. There is a sense in which I don't want to live without him, I don't want time to heal the wound, to be able to move on. No doubt this sense of not wanting to live will pass, there will be people who on reading of my state of mind are furious with my lack of wanting to live. I have to state that I have absolutely no thoughts of taking my own life, I'm not suicidal. I'm not going to walk out in front of a bus or jump from a bridge. What I am doing is ignoring all the advice from "experts" about what to eat and what to drink, it's lucky that cigarettes are so expensive now or I would probably have started smoking again. I'm on a mission of self-destruction. I know it is wrong of me, but I can't stop myself. I can't even pretend that Tall would be disapproving, he too in the past had been on the same mission, he wasn't someone who over ate, but he was certainly smoking and drinking far too much when I met him. 

I have been trying to work out why I am struggling so badly again. It isn't Christmas as people think, I knew that last Christmas was going to be just that, our last Christmas and Tall had known it too. I am actually looking forward to the lights and tinsel. I have wondered if it is because he has been in my dreams recently, there as someone I am talking to, asking advice from and it feels real. Then when I wake I remember he isn't here. I see the empty pillow and the tears begin. There is a sense that I have been locking away my grief, I keep busy and "celebrate" all the things I can do like wear perfume again and close the windows.  But the truth is I would happily never wear perfume again and live with all the windows and doors open if I could have him back. 

I know that with time my grief will change, it has changed. I know that I will find my way through it, just as so many have before me. I guess as someone who likes to be in control of her own life, not having a time frame is at best frustrating, and set backs like this weekend make me feel a failure. I have to try and remember that feeling so lost just proves how much I loved him, we never failed in how much we loved each other.