Six months

It was around this time last year that Tall realised he wasn't ever going to get any better health wise, in fact he was only going to get worse. The cold weather was bringing on very severe bouts of COPD and some days he could hardly breathe. He knew he had to start getting his affairs in order, and we started to discuss what would happen to me when he was gone. 

Tall was optimistic about my future. He had so much faith in my ability to cope and would often say how as a strong person I would cope without him. He made plans for me. He would tell me that I needed to continue with the buying and selling, that there were people who would help me. He would tell me I needed to find love again, he couldn't bear the thought of me being alone, he said I had so much to give to someone and that they would be lucky to have me. In his head before he died he had my future mapped out and that gave him comfort, I'm glad that he died in peace.

Tall couldn't have known that the people he was convinced would help me would disappoint and betray him. We couldn't predict how I would be feeling six months on from his death, still lost without a guiding hand. Overly anxious about leaving Toni for more than a few hours at a time, trapped. 

I read something recently that struck a chord, "now is the time to find out who you are." I went from unwanted daughter (who caused the marriage break-up) to wife and mom, to single mom of five, to soulmate and still mom to five, four, three, two, one, zero. By the time the last one had moved out I was soulmate and carer. Now I am a widow, but I am also me. But who am I? I am still mom and also anneanne (Turkish for grandmother), but those roles are infrequent, which isn't a bad thing, it means my offspring are making their own way in the world. So after six months of being the widow it is time I started to try and find out who the Good Cheer Pixie is deep down.  She wants to be something that is impossible of course, Tall's sidekick, so it could be a long road of discovery. I hope that people are willing to offer me helpful advice along the way.