Monday, 4 November 2019

Anger

Finally after almost six months I have been offered grief counselling. My appointment is Wednesday and I am both keen and apprehensive at the same time. My emotions are generally all over the place again at the moment, and can change hourly. 

My son and his ex-girlfriend (they are still on good terms) were up for a christening over the weekend. I needed a few things so Saturday afternoon they drove me to the shops. All seemed to be going well until I came to buy milk. They had large bottles and small bottles, but none of the size I usually buy. I picked up a small one and casually said I'd have to buy more in a couple of days. A. said why not get the big one and I replied there was no point as it would go off before I could finish it and I burst into tears. "It's just me now. I'm such a sad sack" I blubbered. A. is a wonderful woman (I wanted to say girl, but of course that's not appropriate in this day and age) and was and is incredibly supportive. She tried her best to console me, but I was stuck in that mood the rest of the day. 

Yesterday was better and I only shed a couple of tears about Tall. This morning I awoke in a pit of self-pity and loathing. It is difficult to explain why, I never really understand myself where such self-loathing comes from. It took me two hours to talk myself out of it and manage to get out of bed. Had Tall been here, he would have managed it in less than fifteen minutes. Which leads me to anger. Some days I am so angry with him. Angry that he has left me to cope with everything. Angry at the trees he (we) planted because I have to deal with the pruning and leaf litter. Angry with the greenhouse he insisted in buying before he died, he wanted to leave me with something I would enjoy, and now all it does is anger me because it isn't him. Angry about almost everything in house and garden that he instigated. I don't want to be angry, but I just can't stop it. 

I am hoping that the counselling will help, that I will be able to continue to move forward. I will always miss him, Tall was my soulmate and I have lost a piece of myself. I will never be able to get that piece back, I just want to be able to live without it, without anger and constant tears. 

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