Best Friend

After the anger of Monday I spent Tuesday crying. From the moment I woke up to the moment I went to sleep I cried pretty much constantly. I cried because I have lost my moral compass, Tall would guide me when I struggled with what to do or say to my children, he would reassure me that my mother was wrong and talk me down from self hatred. So many people take for granted that second opinion, the benefit of another person's point of view, whether it is from a parent or a partner. It is so hard when you have no one, and I do mean no one, to turn to. Every decision is mine alone. Recently Emma Watson (Hermione in Harry Potter) said in the press that she is "self partnered". I admire and applaud her ability to be single and happy, but I can't imagine she never asks anyone else for their point of view. I don't mind being self-partnered, but I hate being the only person on my planet.

Yesterday I attended what I thought was the first of six bereavement counselling sessions, provided by Relate. It turned out I was wrong, it was merely a pre-assessment meeting. As you can imagine, given that that was practically the first thing that was said to me, the session didn't start to well as I sarcastically said through my tears that as I had waited six months already, what was another six. Still, we talked for nearly an hour, so that it could be worked out where I could be helped. I talked about how wonderful our relationship had been. How caring and loving Tall had been. About how much fun he was before he became really ill and about how given he was the life and soul of any party, that being stuck in a wheelchair with an oxygen tank was too much for him to bear. I cried a lot and I laughed too as I talked about the black humour we had used to get us through. 

Today I feel almost numb. The world continues to turn whilst I just sit and stare out of the window, wondering why everyone else is getting on with life without Tall. This is hard to put down in words, but it feels like everyone should acknowledge his loss much more than they do. It is possible they just don't say it to me in case they upset me, or it is simply that people don't miss him at all. 

The counsellor's parting words to me were that I was to treat myself as I would treat my best friend. Be kind to myself, give myself time and stop with the self-hatred, even if it is so deeply ingrained, it is my default setting. 

My best friend Tall always used to say the same thing.