I am still sad that my much anticipated trip to Australia didn't go to plan. A friend asked me via email if it had helped with the grieving process for Tall, in some ways yes, but there was so much more I should have done. I know I should have been braver, more adventurous. It feels like unfinished business, as if there is something I should have done, but didn't. May be one day, when the world feels more settled, I will get back to finish my trip. I should think myself lucky I got there at all, but I feel cheated by the current pandemic.
The memory of Tall currently fills my waking moments and my dreams. I am trying via Instagram to find something every day this month that is positive. There has been a history of Mays being less than perfect. Illness and hospitals seem to block out the good ones and I need to try and alter that. I should be celebrating my daughter's birthday and that of Toni my faithful companion, not wallowing in sadness and grief and yet I am struggling.
My anxiety is really bad at the moment. I take Toni for a walk, but the noise of the cars passing makes me want to curl up in a ball. It sounds as if they are all revving their engines and driving ridiculously fast. I wonder where exactly they are all going and whether they even need to be out. Other people walking about, clearly not members of the same household, make me angry. Imagine how I felt at the conversation I have just heard. A mother walking with her two children, one about two the other four. I overheard her talking to her four year old, she said they would go home, have something to eat and then visit nanny for a couple of hours. I wanted to scream "how come you aren't obeying the rules? What makes you so different from the rest of us?" Like so many I long to hug my grandchildren. To play with them and be part of their lives once more.
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| Taken last May |
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