What have I been doing?

What a good question. 

I look around me and the house is a mess. I look in the fridge and there's nothing to eat, I haven't been food shopping in over a week. To be quite frank, I don't know what I have been doing.

I seem to spend my days sitting on the floor going through piles of things I should have sorted years ago. The dustbin is permanently half full and yet the cupboards, shelves and loft are still full. I find small mementos like a tram ticket from Blackpool and spend thirty minutes sobbing. Cards with Tall's handwriting, photographs meant for a passport and plane tickets. All very cathartic I'm sure, but I don't seem to be making any progress. Busy doing nothing, I only sit down to relax in the evening, when I realise I have left it too late to make a proper meal and find myself eating another sandwich.

The kitchen tap has started to drip, the panic grows with every "plop". The rain we have been getting has the gutter around the bay window overflowing, it clearly needs cleaning, the noise of the water on the window cill (sill) outside is like nails on a blackboard to my tattered nerves. The conservatory roof is leaking too, damaging the furniture I just put in there so that I could have an office space instead of a laptop on my lap. My anxiety increases with every new problem. 

Get someone to fix things? That would require me feeling safe. I know it it silly, but builders and the like make a mess. Even if it is just the packaging from the new part, they just leave it where it falls. I know it all sounds so silly. 

I am cross with myself for allowing things to get so bad. Just when I thought I was making progress, life has turned round and bitten me again. I know it is a cliche, but I need to win the lottery. Not a massive win, just enough to pay for the house to be altered and fixed the way I want it, while I rent somewhere else. Then enough to buy the new furniture to furnish it. Pipe dreams as I don't ever remember to buy a ticket.