After the storm.

I'm sure all of you are getting fed up of the cliches and analogies, but sometimes they seem to be the only way to express how I feel.

Life has been happening around me, on the whole I have been bobbing about on the tide, still out at sea, but content that I'm not currently drowning. Yesterday afternoon I received a phone call from Bernard, Paula's husband. I have to confess that he has tried to call several times before since Mike died, and I have never been able to answer. Yesterday I did. The call went okay, a few tears from me, so I asked Bernard to talk about Buddy the dog for a bit. Yes dear old Buddy is still around, he's eleven now, just like Toni. Bernard talked at me for about fifteen minutes. He said how he still missed Paula seven years on, how his family had said he needed to start seeing other women, and how so far he hadn't actually been on any dates (he joined in January) as none of the ladies came up to Paula's standard. He told me he hasn't been on holiday since Paula died, there's not point wasting money he might just as well stay at home. I was clear to me after that fifteen minute call that he is lonely.

After we had said our goodbyes the calmness slowly turned to a storm. I could feel it coming, the grief for both Mike and Paula welled up inside me. The tears began to flow and I was still crying when I went to bed. I desperately wanted Mike to be there to give me a hug, to ease the pain of Paula's loss, and I wanted to be able to talk to Paula about how to cope with Mike's loss. 

This morning I am exhausted. I slept perfectly well, it is just the after effects of the storm.  I am emotionally drained.