Life didn't seem too bad last week, that is until Friday.
On Wednesday I went to the running group and chatted to the same lady I has spoken to the week before. Certain members had obviously decided they wanted to make it more competitive, and overtook us, but we just looked at each other knowingly, once they had overtaken, they didn't actually make any ground on us.
On Thursday I shouted at two teenagers who thought it was acceptable to kick my back gate, just because Toni was barking at them. I had heard them screaming and chatting outside the gate before they kicked it, and it was easy for me to go out of the front door and meet them as they came round the bend.
Then on Friday the sadness hit. I clumsily reached out for help on FB, but the replies centered around my running, I hadn't even got the energy to reply to them.
I thought my run on Saturday would lift my mood, but by the evening I was sobbing continuously. My sense of loneliness engulfing me.
I had hoped that after a good sleep I would feel better on Sunday, but I felt worse. The paralysing panic of being alone made it difficult to function, at even a basic level. As if to mirror my mood, torrential rain began at 4 in the morning and continued into the rest of the day.
This morning I am about the same. I know I cannot let the panic that engulfed me take hold again today, but I feel physically ill. My whole body is heavy and my head "wooly" I'm struggling to string coherent thoughts together. I am in pain mentally and physically.
Showing posts with label Running. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Running. Show all posts
Monday, 23 September 2019
Monday, 16 September 2019
What a week.
I seem to be falling into a pattern of blogging weekly now the dust is starting to settle. What a week it has been. I have had my garden dug up front and back by men looking for a gas pipe. I have caused mayhem, albeit unintentionally, and had to be an A&E nurse as a consequence. On Wednesday I started my This Girl Runs 0 to 5km course. It went really well, possibly because the run leaders were taking it easy with us for the first session. I did complain to my friend afterwards that their idea of a brisk walk was a snail's pace. I have now completed the two homework sessions. 5 minutes BRISK walk, 6 x 90 seconds jog (run) and 5 minutes BRISK walk. The Couch to 5K app that we use for homework asks for goals before embarking on the course. They are as follows:
Friday 13th started out so well. Despite it being the four month-versary I started the day positively. Mid morning I had a message from my son's girlfriend saying my son had decided to drive straight up here after his night shift Christmas Day and they would be having dinner with me. I was so excited and pleased that I started to sort out the cabinets in the dining room, they are stuffed with things, some of which need to go. The table was soon full so I decided to empty one of the crates that Tall had brought with him fourteen years ago. At the bottom was a photograph in a frame. The glass had broken and underneath was Tall, him in his suit at his first wedding, forty-four years ago. My heart broke. Grief for his loss four months ago and grief for the years I never had. Grief that our paths hadn't crossed years ago. I quickly realised that I cannot change the past and mourning for what I never had is pointless. Still I cried the rest of the day, just writing about it now has tears rolling down my face.
Then there are days like Saturday. I was walking the dog when a message came through on FB. It was from someone who I know, who was friends with Tall when he was in hospital back in 2010. "Is he still with us?" Tears from me, then anger, then the sarcastic reply. "No. I'd have imagined you'd have known that if you had looked at his FB page!"
Enough said?
Good days, bad days. Days when his name and his photograph make me smile. Days when if I so much as catch a glimpse of his photo on the fridge I'm done for. There is comfort in the tears, for I fear when I don't cry that people will think I didn't care.
- get fit and feel healthier
- lose weight
- prepare for a race or charity event
- challenge myself and run regularly
- improve my health condition
- another reason
Friday 13th started out so well. Despite it being the four month-versary I started the day positively. Mid morning I had a message from my son's girlfriend saying my son had decided to drive straight up here after his night shift Christmas Day and they would be having dinner with me. I was so excited and pleased that I started to sort out the cabinets in the dining room, they are stuffed with things, some of which need to go. The table was soon full so I decided to empty one of the crates that Tall had brought with him fourteen years ago. At the bottom was a photograph in a frame. The glass had broken and underneath was Tall, him in his suit at his first wedding, forty-four years ago. My heart broke. Grief for his loss four months ago and grief for the years I never had. Grief that our paths hadn't crossed years ago. I quickly realised that I cannot change the past and mourning for what I never had is pointless. Still I cried the rest of the day, just writing about it now has tears rolling down my face.
Then there are days like Saturday. I was walking the dog when a message came through on FB. It was from someone who I know, who was friends with Tall when he was in hospital back in 2010. "Is he still with us?" Tears from me, then anger, then the sarcastic reply. "No. I'd have imagined you'd have known that if you had looked at his FB page!"
Enough said?
Good days, bad days. Days when his name and his photograph make me smile. Days when if I so much as catch a glimpse of his photo on the fridge I'm done for. There is comfort in the tears, for I fear when I don't cry that people will think I didn't care.
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