The spider web.

The whole world seems to be trapped in the cobwebs of covid-19. People everywhere are caught up, unable to escape, unable to move. Even if their lives aren't touched by the virus directly, the effects of lockdowns and not being able to connect physically with family outside the home causes them mental harm. So although individual circumstances vary greatly, I am, in essence, not alone. 

Right now the cobweb of grief is adding to my troubles, struggling with the empty chair, the mixture of memories of just how ill Tall had become and how brave he was, of how I should have saved him, even though it wasn't possible. 

I have been trying to find at least one positive thing every day and posting a photo on Instagram. They're not award winning photos, just a snapshot of something that makes me happy, even if it is only for the minute it takes to post it. 

Ying and Yang of life

After all the happiness and excitement of the past week it was almost inevitable that there would be at some point a counter balance. This morning the happiness is turned to grief and the excitement is now guilt. I am about to make the trip that Tall longed to make himself. In what feels like the briefest of years between us getting married and Tall's kidneys failing we were trying to save, but it wasn't easy, things would happen and the money would be spent.

The cruel irony is, that by the time we were making progress with the saving, Tall had to start dialysis. Whenever the staff mentioned taking our home dialysis on holiday Tall would chirrup up "what about Australia?"  The answer was always that it would be difficult to organise. The truth, I suspect, was that it would cost the hospital too much, and you can't blame them. Tall looked into organising dialysis in a unit in Australia, but the distances elsewhere in the world are not the same as in the UK. We were incredibly lucky that Tall's unit was a 15 minute walk from the house, so a mere 5 minute drive plus ten for parking. 

For the last two years Tall wasn't well enough to go anywhere really. He bravely tried to be "normal" but it was clear for all to see how ill he was. He still dreamed of visiting Australia. Kept hoping that his health would improve, until he realised it wasn't going to. 

Now I am making that trip. Don't get me wrong, I want to go, but I feel so guilty that Tall isn't the one stepping off the plane. I can hear his voice telling me to do it for us both, and that makes me cry because I miss him. I'm sorry we didn't make it together Tall.

So my message is one that I have heard many times, I'm sure everyone has. Don't put things off because you don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. We all think we have all the time in the world, but the years slip away so quickly.