The second is worse.

 I had read other people saying that the seconds can be harder, yet up until today that hadn't been the case for me. My second birthday, my second Christmas and Tall's birthday had all been easier. Today being my second Valentine's Day without Tall has been much harder. 

As I said last year we never really went in for all the roses and chocolate stuff. Yet reading what I wrote last year feels surreal, I can't believe how unfazed I seemed to be. I wish I was feeling that laid back this year. May be the whole pandemic and lockdown are taking their toll on my mental health. May be I am just feeling a bit more raw. I'm not longing for a card or a dozen over priced roses, and I can buy my own chocolate and wine if I feel the need.  I am longing for my Valentine to be here next to me, to have him holding my hand as we watch the world pass by. 

My first Valentine's Day alone.

Strictly speaking it isn't my first Valentine's Day alone, there were seventeen growing up and four during separation and divorce, but this is my first Valentine's Day without my soulmate Tall. 

How do I feel? Oddly, not as sad as I thought I would feel. I had a bit of a cry when I found out last year's cards and read the words, but once that was done I felt a calmness, a relief. If I retell the events of last year may be it will help explain.

Tall and I had never been big on Valentine's Day, it being nothing more than a commercial opportunity. Our love for each other was clear three hundred and sixty days of the year, you have to allow five days when we would have annoyed each other. Last year we both knew it would be our last and Tall wanted to make sure it was marked. He was desperate to buy me a card, but he was just too ill to get out of the car. I suppose he could have gone online and ordered one, but instead he had to send me into the shop to choose my own. I must have looked at fifty cards, carefully reading the words, looking for the words that I knew in my heart would be the ones Tall would choose. Silently, tears rolled down my face as I knew it was my last card. Another customer spotted me and asked if I was okay. I explained that I was buying a card for my dying husband to give to me and she kindly tried to help. Eventually I found my card, and started looking for one for me to give to Tall. 

I have to admit that looking at the cards this morning I slightly regretted my choice of card for Tall, I should have chosen something more serious, more romantic, although the words I wrote inside probably make up for it. Last year my heart was breaking. All the "knowing" about what was happening, the constant "this is the last time" had me permanently in tears. Tall would tell people that he hadn't got long and they would smile and laugh, "don't be daft". No one believed him and so I was almost completely alone in my grief. 

So this year there is a sense of relief, released from last year's pressure of knowing what was to come. It has happened, the worse is over. I still have Tall's words from that card. 

"I've loved you since the second we met and I will love you to eternity."