Snakes and ladders

I feel like I am back to square one, that all the progress of the last twelve months has been lost. The perfect storm of covid-19 was followed by May and it's constant "this time last year" moments. I knew it would happen, I knew I would weep for hours on end and long for Tall, but that feeling of being lost was heightened by being alone both physically and socially. May became June and the memories continued, but this year there was no birthday card, no present to open and there were no friends to help me raise a glass of bubbly on our wedding anniversary. 

The snakes haven't just been the expected ones, there are also all the ones related to covid-19, no volunteering, no groups, no support. There was a particularly unexpected one because I signed up to an online course. One area of support was meant to help me gain the confidence to get back to work and help me with the process. My link worker had been calling me weekly to find out how I was doing and he suggested I find a course to study online to keep myself busy, so I did. It was only after I had signed up that he told me that the course meant I had to exit the programme. I think it was that snake that did the most damage.

I spent a year climbing ladders, going down snakes, but generally feeling I was making progress. Now I feel like I am back to square one, I have no purpose, no reason to "live" and so I merely exist. My anxiety of leaving the house or using the phone is back and I find myself in a deep depression. 

Without Tall life is empty.