Emotional deja vu.

Late afternoon yesterday I got a message from my son Tigger asking if I was up to anything over the weekend (he wants something). I said no to which he replied, can I have a bed as I' doing something with my mates Saturday. So I said yes, and went upstairs to move my (empty) suitcase. 

He drove up straight from work, buying Chinese food on the way. We spent a pleasant evening enjoying our food and watching a box set he recommended (he isn't a great talker when it comes to his mom.) I do try making conversation, but I don't like sounding like a cross-examiner so my questions tend to be short and open ended. 

After a few episodes my bed was calling, so off I went and I was soon asleep. That was until 12:50 when my son sent me a message saying "I'm just popping out to help someone." Now I would like to draw the jury's attention to the phrase "popping out". When I woke at 7:30 this morning he wasn't back. The second I saw the door open and an empty bed I became a anxious, tearful wreck. I know that as a policeman Tigger faces danger every day. I know that I could one day get a call to say he is injured or even dead. Yet, even though I an at peace with that, him being "missing" from my house brought out feelings I don't want to feel.

I was taken back to all those worried evenings, and terrified mornings, when Tall was in hospital and couldn't text, too ill to let me know he was still alive. I would call the ward, but the phone was never answered. I would spend hours terrified until eventually Tall would manage to answer me in a brief moment of lucidity. I never, ever want to feel like that again. 

I know it is a problem in my head, but I don't know how to solve it. I managed to talk myself down this morning, my son is a grown man and not my responsibility, but it has still left me feeling fragile. I realise I cannot cope with anyone being here whose actions might cause me worry. My brain flies to what ifs the second I cannot contact them, or they are secretive about what they are doing or where they have been. An ex-husband who betrayed me plays a part in my anxiety, but in truth I recall feeling the anxiety on rare occasions before that. Is it my father leaving, even though I have no memories of him ever being in my life? 

No matter what the cause, until I find a cure, I don't think I can have someone living with me. I cannot cope with the uncertainty when they are late or go off without telling me where. I am a control freak.